"I Always Have a Happy Feeling When I go to Church"

My day started out fine.  I slept in, ate Frosted Flakes, and got ready for church. We were on time, the kids behaved during Sacrament Meeting, and the talks were inspiring, even humorous.  But it just felt so…long. And after an hour and ten minutes (how dare he go five whole minutes over the allotted meeting time?) I was done.  Then I realized with much trepidation that there were still 2 hours left. But, being the good Mormon that I am, I persevered and descended into the dark recesses of the church into that place where they keep the children, called “Primary”.

It was warm and quiet with reverent music playing on the CD player (our pianist moved out), the children were talking quietly and the adults were bustling around getting ready to start the meeting.  Everything was calm and serene, but getting tired and feeling a little testy, I knew I needed to sneak some chocolate out of the closet before sitting down to take roll.  As the Primary Secretary it’s my job to take said roll and do whatever else the Primary President tells me to do.  So I made some copies for her, made sure my daughters went back to sit in their seats (again) and snuck some more chocolate (Ooh, this time with toffee bits!). The next hour and 45 minutes of church were spent checking the clock, sneaking chocolate, chatting subversively with the Primary President’s counsellors and sneaking chocolate.  When it was finally over, I rushed out with purse, diaper bag, two little girls and two big boys in tow.  I didn’t wait for Hubby, I just headed straight for the car.  The sooner I got out of these tights, this skirt, and these heels, the better.  I crossed the parking lot and the girls followed, arriving at the car without incident.  Where the boys were at this point I have no idea.  Then since our automatic locks no longer function, I turned on the car so that I could roll down the window and reach the button to unlock the door.  When I was done, all four of the kids were nowhere to be seen.

A Young Woman tipped me off that the girls were hiding behind a pine tree, but when I approached they ran off down the side of the building.  I followed them, heaving my voluptuous frame through the parking lot.  I saw them disappear around the corner to the back of the church so I continued, teetering on my high heels and huffing and puffing my way to the squealing little monsters.  By the time I could see them again I had lost the reverent “I’m putting on my best face for everyone at church” voice and was hoarsely bellowing, “You get over here right now!”  Yelling that several times had little effect, but when they decided to saunter over to me I grabbed one by the arm, dragging her to car.  Blessedly, the other one followed.  Princess was still giggling, and infuriated by this I demanded that she get in the car .  She did, but dove directly into the front seat.  Not to be outdone I hauled her by the legs into the backseat and buckled her in her car seat amid ear-piercing screams. At this point Hubby and the boys arrived and everyone was looking at me as if asking, “What the heck is going on?” In response I relayed (so that everyone outside could hear me, I’m sure) everything that had occurred in the parking lot.  And in a moment of glory proclaimed that I was…”PISSED OFF!”  J-Dog was the first one to break the deafening silence that followed my profound proclamation with the words, “Mom, did you just say a bad word?” And in my shinning moment I spat, “Yes!” and slammed the door.

0 thoughts on “"I Always Have a Happy Feeling When I go to Church"

  1. Oh Crystal, I know what you mean! I have done the same things before – sneaking candy during primary, glaring at my kids for acting up in primary, dragging them by the arm, threatening them under my breath. Not proud moments in my life, but certainly real ones. I’m glad you can relate. I hope today was better.

  2. Oh too funny! Although I KNOW that it was not funny but thank you for making is sound funny! The next time that I am doing the same thing, this post just might come to mind and I just might laugh.

  3. Voluptuous frame-hee hee. Also I can totally picture the entire thing. And if it makes you feel any better, I’m sure when I am a mother much worse profanities will accidentally fly out of my mouth. Everyone will be horrified and think that I am the devil incarnated. It should be fun.

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