I’m a Better Mother! Or Not.

Thinking back to some of my past adventures as a mother, I’ve realized that lately I’m too boring to blog about.  I haven’t called my kids any names, sworn at them, hit them, or said, “OK, I’ll get you a friggin’ drink!” in a while.  This makes for very little to blog about.  So am I improving and becoming a better mother?  Should I start writing about my immense mothering prowess?  I’d like to think so, but I think the real answer to that question is more along the lines of, “HA!”

Instead of being a snippy mother with little patience when my kids aren’t meeting my expectations for order and quiet, I think I’ve just retreated into myself to become the lazy/depressed mother who, after the big boys go to school, sleeps on the couch while her little girls watch movies until naptime when THEY go to sleep and SHE starts watching movies.  What have I become?!

I always swore I wouldn’t be the kind of stay-at-home mom who sits on the couch all day eating Bonbons and watching soap operas.  I guess I’m really not like that, though.  Instead, I’m the kind of stay-at-home mom who lays on the couch all morning only waking to eat hot Cheetos and watch How I Met Your Mother on Netflix.  The difference, in case you were wondering, is that my situation is worse.  At least an awake mom can answer her kids who have just painted her a picture with, “Oh, I love it!”  Instead, I have unfortunately answered the query of, “Do you like it?”  With a groggy, “No.”  To which I got a bewildered and yet still hopeful, “Mom?  Do you like it??”  To which I answered with another garbled, “No.”  When I finally came to, after she’d asked me this multiple times with what I can only imagine was increasing self-doubt/loathing, I finally answered, “Oh, baby I love it, it’s so beautiful!!!!” Whew!  That was a close one.  That could have been bad.  OK, it WAS bad.  I don’t know what I thought she was asking me, probably permission to use the microwave.  Or use knives.  Or to microwave knives.  Or something.

Yesterday I had a nice break from the hectic stress of laying on the couch, and went to Disneyland all day with my hubby.  It was a blast!  I got up early (!),  didn’t take a nap (!), and didn’t even drink caffeine (!), and it was one of the best days I have had in a long time.  Not only was it nice to have no kids around and feel like a real couple again, instead of JUST a mom and dad, but it was nice to be awake and enjoy life.

It’s hard when you feel like there is no purpose to your existence (I know that it’s not true, but when you are depressed it feels that way, and at the time, that’s all that matters), but I resolve to MAKE purpose to my existence!  I will stay awake!  I will take my little ones to the park!  I will teach them the alphabet!  I will tell them their paintings are fabulous!  I will play with them! Well, maybe that’s going a little too far.  But I will at least help them dress their dolls!  I will fling myself out of this downward spiral and shower in the morning!  I’m not saying I won’t still feel depressed: that’s not something you can just will away.  But I will change my behavior and hopefully that will help (at least a little)!

0 thoughts on “I’m a Better Mother! Or Not.

  1. LOL Crystal. You are so funny. Love the pic of half dressed kids. It’s always the girls, isn’t it? I only have girls, so I can’t compare, but my girls never want clothes on either. I understand your feelings about trying not to let your own issues interfere with being a good mom. Right now, I am in my first trimester (Shhhh… haven’t announced yet, so don’t say anything on FB) and my morning sickness is so bad, plus they took me off my anxiety meds. I am a hot mess. My daily goal has been survival. But I feel terrible that I have not been a great mom to the 2 who are already here right now. Popcorn for dinner. Movies all day. Refusing to dress Barbies over and over. We missed school on Friday because there were no clean clothes for them to wear to school! ((Hugs)) Every picture I see of you, you have that awesome smile. Your kids know you love them, or she wouldn’t have kept asking you if you loved her picture.

    1. sniff sniff. You almost made me cry. Congrats on the baby, and thanks for the kind words. Also, I’m so sorry for what you are going through, just survive, popcorn and movies is better than a crack-whore mom who leaves her kids home alone while she goes out all night! That thought always makes me feel like a freaking super star!

      1. LOL, very true! We could be much much worse. Thanks for the congrats. I think I will be a little more excited when I don’t feel like I am going to die of starvation every 10 minutes while also being grossed out by nearly everything and nauseous constantly. You have been pregnant 4 times, so I am sure you’ve had your share of trying to take care of kids while feeling like heck!

  2. A little bit better a week at a time, that’s my motto. Every day can’t be better, but this week can be better than last week. (And it’s Hulu and chocolate chips thank-you-very-much!!)

  3. A little bit better a week at a time, that’s my motto. Every day can’t be better, but this week can be better than last week. (And it’s Hulu and chocolate chips thank-you-very-much!!)

  4. Crystal, I’m grateful for your post because you’re brave enough to put words to what you’re feeling and let other people see them. I often have some of the same feelings, but feel that I have to hide them because others won’t understand & will judge me as a horrible mother and incapable of taking care of my children. I feel bad for laying on the couch while he’s off playing and then getting mad when he gets into something he shouldn’t.

  5. Crystal, I’m grateful for your post because you’re brave enough to put words to what you’re feeling and let other people see them. I often have some of the same feelings, but feel that I have to hide them because others won’t understand & will judge me as a horrible mother and incapable of taking care of my children. I feel bad for laying on the couch while he’s off playing and then getting mad when he gets into something he shouldn’t.

    1. We are ALL like that, ESPECIALLY with little ones, Melissa. The only reason I’m surviving at all right now is that i have 2 old enough to clean and babysit. And you WILL get there someday, I promise!!!!

  6. sniff sniff. You almost made me cry. Congrats on the baby, and thanks for the kind words. Also, I’m so sorry for what you are going through, just survive, popcorn and movies is better than a crack-whore mom who leaves her kids home alone while she goes out all night! That thought always makes me feel like a freaking super star!

    1. LOL, very true! We could be much much worse. Thanks for the congrats. I think I will be a little more excited when I don’t feel like I am going to die of starvation every 10 minutes while also being grossed out by nearly everything and nauseous constantly. You have been pregnant 4 times, so I am sure you’ve had your share of trying to take care of kids while feeling like heck!

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