Thinking back to some of my past adventures as a mother, I’ve realized that lately I’m too boring to blog about. I haven’t called my kids any names, sworn at them, hit them, or said, “OK, I’ll get you a friggin’ drink!” in a while. This makes for very little to blog about. So am I improving and becoming a better mother? Should I start writing about my immense mothering prowess? I’d like to think so, but I think the real answer to that question is more along the lines of, “HA!”
Instead of being a snippy mother with little patience when my kids aren’t meeting my expectations for order and quiet, I think I’ve just retreated into myself to become the lazy/depressed mother who, after the big boys go to school, sleeps on the couch while her little girls watch movies until naptime when THEY go to sleep and SHE starts watching movies. What have I become?!
I always swore I wouldn’t be the kind of stay-at-home mom who sits on the couch all day eating Bonbons and watching soap operas. I guess I’m really not like that, though. Instead, I’m the kind of stay-at-home mom who lays on the couch all morning only waking to eat hot Cheetos and watch How I Met Your Mother on Netflix. The difference, in case you were wondering, is that my situation is worse. At least an awake mom can answer her kids who have just painted her a picture with, “Oh, I love it!” Instead, I have unfortunately answered the query of, “Do you like it?” With a groggy, “No.” To which I got a bewildered and yet still hopeful, “Mom? Do you like it??” To which I answered with another garbled, “No.” When I finally came to, after she’d asked me this multiple times with what I can only imagine was increasing self-doubt/loathing, I finally answered, “Oh, baby I love it, it’s so beautiful!!!!” Whew! That was a close one. That could have been bad. OK, it WAS bad. I don’t know what I thought she was asking me, probably permission to use the microwave. Or use knives. Or to microwave knives. Or something.
Yesterday I had a nice break from the hectic stress of laying on the couch, and went to Disneyland all day with my hubby. It was a blast! I got up early (!), didn’t take a nap (!), and didn’t even drink caffeine (!), and it was one of the best days I have had in a long time. Not only was it nice to have no kids around and feel like a real couple again, instead of JUST a mom and dad, but it was nice to be awake and enjoy life.
It’s hard when you feel like there is no purpose to your existence (I know that it’s not true, but when you are depressed it feels that way, and at the time, that’s all that matters), but I resolve to MAKE purpose to my existence! I will stay awake! I will take my little ones to the park! I will teach them the alphabet! I will tell them their paintings are fabulous! I will play with them! Well, maybe that’s going a little too far. But I will at least help them dress their dolls! I will fling myself out of this downward spiral and shower in the morning! I’m not saying I won’t still feel depressed: that’s not something you can just will away. But I will change my behavior and hopefully that will help (at least a little)!