So much of my life is spent imagining what life could be or will be or should be or would be.
Rarely am I doing things to make it what I want. Sure, I plan to take action. I obsess over how much of “A” I could accomplish if I did more of “B,” but it rarely translates into actual action. I ruminate over things, I worry and ponder and get swept up in anxiety, and very little of that is the least bit helpful. If I want to accomplish something, it needs to make it off the paper, off the calendar app, off of the virtual planner in my head and into my body as actions. I need to get out of my brain and into my body. Do instead of think.
The main reason I never translate my thoughts into actions is the fact that I mostly live my life by accident.
I just kind of let life happen to me. I worry about what will happen to me rather than making things happen myself. I think the reason for THAT is that I struggled my heart out and worked my butt off for so many years, swimming against the current in so many areas of life, and I’m tired. Sure, I was succeeding at things much better than I am now, but I was miserable. I ran 5 miles every day just to keep my weight under control. I cried almost every day, not knowing I was suffering from major depression.
I felt sad and horrible and like I was a hamster on a wheel never getting anywhere, never improving or moving forward.
Then when even more of life happened (health problems, deaths, etc.) it’s like I lost all my will to even try anymore. I started sliding backwards, gave up and slid backwards even faster. Slowly I’ve started to make some positive changes in my life. The kind of deep changes that make your life better in the long run. I started treating my sleep apnea, depression, anxiety, and ADHD that I didn’t know I had. I worked on my codependency and took steps to pursue more hobbies and goals.
I’m still bad at prioritizing and I still suffer from all of those aforementioned problems. But they are mostly under control enough that I can look ahead to taking actionable steps that get me somewhere.
Despite these actions, I still tend to slog around each day just letting things happen to me and trying not to drown.
But I’m tired of that. It’s not getting me anywhere at all. I want to grab onto a branch and haul myself out of the swamp. I think I’ve secured enough branches now that I can do that. Enough of my life is either under control or getting there that I can grab a lifeline somewhere.
So my New Year’s resolution is not to accomplish a set of goals or tasks, but rather to live life purposefully.
To grab branches instead of wallowing in the mud. To stop obsessing and worrying and start doing and acting. I’ll be doing different things every day, and I won’t do half the things I want to do, but I will start by doing things I value even when I don’t feel like it. Like writing this post a mere 5 1/2 hours after I went to bed last night. Because life happens (and teenagers need to be driven home from New Year’s Eve dances) but I want to actually do the things I want to do (and write the thoughts in my head) instead of just thinking about them.