Our Kids Don’t Poop in Your Yard

Disclaimer: We believe that animals should treated ethically and kindly and not be gratuitously hurt or abused in any way (unless they get into our garden or trash, then all bets are off).

Dearest Neighbors,

We are not animal people.  We have kids instead.  As Princess has so aptly stated (while waving her hand in front of her face), “We don’t like animals, they smell gross.”  We have attempted having a few different pets and all have turned out to be utter failures.  We have had:

1. Multiple Fish.  They stink and they always die within the month.

2. A dog.  Dogs are like children except that they never grow up. With them you get all the accidents, yapping, jumping, escaping, biting, chewing, needing a sitter, needing a walk, etc. with none of the benefits of a child who grows up to be a productive adult.  And even if you spend the money to train a dog properly, they still stink and shed and need walking, feeding, a sitter, the vet, etc.  Our dog was constantly running off, barking until my ears hurt and “playfully” biting J-Dog until he drew blood.

3. A hamster. The perfect low maintenance pet until…they start escaping.  And they will.  No matter how state-of-the-art your rodent security system, they will escape and eat your scrapbooks and a 2 inch hole through all layers of your carpet, and then die.

Although we have never had the following pets, they nonetheless are animals that we will never, under any circumstances, have in our home.  This list is in no way comprehensive:

1. Cats.  They are scary and have a vendetta against all humankind and you know it.  They also stink, shed, scratch, lick themselves in public and cough up hair balls.

2. Reptiles, amphibians, and the like.  They stink and look creepy.

3. Birds. They stink, bite, escape, and are loud.

The only reason we would ever get any kind of pet again is if our whole family died and one of us was all alone in the world and the stench emanating from the animal was less abhorrent to us than the desolation of our forsaken state.

Like we stated in our disclaimer, we would rarely hurt an animal on purpose.  However, because of those extenuating circumstances cited above, these animals would have been much wiser to avoid the Hill family altogether:

1. A squirrel. I (Crystal) ran over him on accident. I almost cried.  His only crime was being stupid.

2. Woodpeckers. These were shot with a BB gun for pecking at our house.

3. The neighborhood dogs.  These were shot with a BB gun for raiding our trash.

4. Various and sundry racoons.  These, too,  were shot with a BB gun to keep them away from our trash (they just keep coming back, though).

5. A bear.  I know Josh went after one with a BB gun after he got into our trash.  I don’t think he hit it though.

6. An already dead mouse.  This one was mutilated by our boys for sport.

7.  A gopher: He was the victim of cold-blooded, premeditated revenge-killing/mutilation for eating all $50 worth of vegetables that I had planted.  Hubby waited and waited for him and when he poked it’s little head out of the hole, Hubby hacked and hacked and hacked at him mercilessly with a shovel until it was in pieces.  It’s intestines were all over the place.

Now, seeing our track record with animals, I’m sure you can understand why we get so enraged when our lives are interrupted by OTHER people’s animals.  We’re fine with other people having pets (though we have no idea why they do.  What do they get out of it?), we just don’t tolerate having them interfere with OUR life.  If we don’t want to deal with our own pets, we certainly don’t want to deal with yours.   But alas, these neighborhood pets continue to seek us out:

1. The neighborhood dogs.  They rip open our garbage and strew it all over the place, they bark at each other all through the girls’ nap time, and make our yard their designated pooping spot.

2.  The next door neighbor’s cat, Oreo.  He gets into our trash, perches outside of our sliding glass door waiting to be let in, whines at our feet, and darts into our house any chance he gets.

3. The back door neighbor’s dog.  He pushes down the planks of our wood fence so that he can stick his head through and bark at my girls.  The first time I heard Big Girl crying and screaming in the back yard I thought she had split her chin open again.  But nope, it was the barking that had scared her to death.

We don’t let our kids poop in your yard, scream in your face, knock down your fence, come in uninvited, or dig through your trash.  So please, don’t let your pets do that to us!

Pleadingly,

Crystal Hill and the entire Hill family

0 thoughts on “Our Kids Don’t Poop in Your Yard

  1. Love it! My kids want a pet so bad. I am not ready and willing to look after it. I kept putting it off, because we haven’t had a house that we own, so it’s easy to say “Pets aren’t aloud.” I wonder how long that will last after we move to our house in 10 days.

  2. Please don’t think badly of me because this post just had me rolling! Sounds like you’ve had adventures in the pet department, lol!

    We do have a dog that we’ve trained so there’s no barking, biting and what not with him, but our cat is a whole different story! I got her as a mouser and it took awhile, but she finally rid our home of mice. Only now, she coughs up her hairballs all over the place and uses part of my leather couches as scratching posts!

    Grr!

  3. Yeah, we’re a bit nuts. We’ve got the dog (who thinks she’s a cat), 2 cats, 2 guinea pigs and Matt just got a tank with 5 tetras and a ghostfish. All but the fish were rescues – we’re such saps! But, our cats are indoors, our dog has only run to the neighbor’s house once and our basement is delightfully clear of mice.

    I just hated, hated, hated all the loose dogs up in Crestline. Especially the mean ones. Had to call the neighbor to come get their dog before I called animal control as it had tried to pen us in the yard baring its teeth and growling. Can you say Cujo?

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