The Top Ten Grossest Things That Parents Do

Warning: graphic (disgusting) content. Do not read this if you are weak of stomach.

The top ten grossest things that parents do*:

10. Watch your 6 year old shoot beans out of his nose. Or worse, dig out the beans that are stuck.

9. Try to gently communicate to a toddler that you do not want the slimy, second-hand snack that came straight from their mouth. It’s cute that they want to share, but gross all the same.

8. Use your fingers as Kleenex. Face it, sometimes you have no choice.

7. Diaper quality control. It is not fun to find out that your diapers are cheap by getting pee (or worse) on your shirt while holding a baby.

6. Put your hand down the garbage disposal.  Somehow the bottle nipples always end up down there, and you don’t know it until you hear the ring being beaten to death when you turn it on. And it’s always when you’re trying to dispose of 4-month-old moldy peas and the last thing you want to do is pull it out with your bare hands.

5. Tend to wounds.  It’s heartbreaking but it’s also gross. When you have to hold a gaping wound together so that you can apply butterfly bandages before driving a child to the doctor for stitches, it makes one want to pass out (well, me anyway). And no one likes it when a child bleeds all over them.

4. Pee in a bedpan. Pregnant mothers who have been on complete bed rest know how shameful (and messy) this can be.

3. Change another toddler’s poopy diaper. A poopy diaper is bad. A toddler diaper, complete with yesterday’s corn is worse. But when you are babysitting the neighbor’s kid and you find out the hard way that they had olives in their tacos last night, you never want to babysit ever again.

2. Clean up diarrhea. Obviously made worse if it is some other kid’s, but it’s bad enough if it’s your own.  Nobody wants this job.

1. Clean up vomit.  Not only does the sound of your little sweetie barfing make you want to cry, and the smell almost knock you out, but actually wrapping up the puke-soaked bedding, rinsing it out in the bathtub, and wiping up last night’s spaghetti chunks floating in salmon-colored goo is enough to make anybody blow chunks.  The worst part is having to pick regurgitated rice coated in mucous-y slime off of your little one’s pajamas as you as dip it in the toilet trying to rinse it off.

*Disclaimer: Not all of these are restricted to parents only and not all parents have experienced every one of these.  This list is in no way comprehensive.  This is not a list of recommendations for thrill-seekers: only experienced professionals should attempt the things on this list.

0 thoughts on “The Top Ten Grossest Things That Parents Do

  1. Amen to those, sister. What about cleaning stinky shoes because your male boys refuse to wear socks and their feet sweat like nobody’s business. Also, being the one to tell your son that he stinks is always fun too.

  2. Amen to those, sister. What about cleaning stinky shoes because your male boys refuse to wear socks and their feet sweat like nobody’s business. Also, being the one to tell your son that he stinks is always fun too.

  3. Hahaaaahahaha I am still laughing. Have done every single one of these except for #5. Although Jaed did have surgery on both her feet last winter and that was… gross. Also I feel your pain sista, Extreme bed rest is NOT for sissies. Oh, and Wes thinks wearing bare feet inside his Ugg-style Crocs is awesome. So you have synthetic sheepskin linings smelling of …foot death. It’s so nasty!!! In fact, they’re black and I just bleached them. I don’t care if they change colors, as long as they change smells. ;D

  4. Hahaaaahahaha I am still laughing. Have done every single one of these except for #5. Although Jaed did have surgery on both her feet last winter and that was… gross. Also I feel your pain sista, Extreme bed rest is NOT for sissies. Oh, and Wes thinks wearing bare feet inside his Ugg-style Crocs is awesome. So you have synthetic sheepskin linings smelling of …foot death. It’s so nasty!!! In fact, they’re black and I just bleached them. I don’t care if they change colors, as long as they change smells. ;D

  5. Wait. I appear to be experiencing technical difficulties leaving you a comment on this one, so let me know if you got it (re: daughter’s foot surgery, son’s disgusting uggs, and extreme bed rest.) Otherwise I’ll try to write it out again just so I don’t leave you hanging. ;D

  6. Wait. I appear to be experiencing technical difficulties leaving you a comment on this one, so let me know if you got it (re: daughter’s foot surgery, son’s disgusting uggs, and extreme bed rest.) Otherwise I’ll try to write it out again just so I don’t leave you hanging. ;D

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